


To set fire to one's home (June 1976)

by themistyeyeofthemountain



Series: Stop all the clocks [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Hogwarts Era, Hogwarts Fifth Year, Marauders, Marauders' Era, Owls, Pre-Slash, The Prank
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-01
Updated: 2015-02-01
Packaged: 2018-04-02 13:23:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4061590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themistyeyeofthemountain/pseuds/themistyeyeofthemountain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Sirius knows there is something wrong with the two of them. He can feel it like a cancer growing in their remusirius body, like a poison seeping between them, like an unexplainable force that is steadily pulling them apart. The puzzle doesn't fit any more. And they can't do anything about it but refraining themselves from punching the other and putting a definite end to a friendship that has always been far more than that.</p><p>And on top of this, there's Snape. Snape who's been increasingly nosy and interested in their business, following them, no, following Remus , taking in his chronic absences, his cuts and bruises after every full moon, his far too sharp reflexes, the way James, Sirius and Peter look dead on their feet every day Remus doesn't attend to class, and Sirius knows he knows the truth, or is about to discover it, and then he'll tell the whole school and it will be the end of everything. He hasn't told the others : it would make Moony panic and Wormtail would say he's paranoid and Prongs would say they've covered it all too well for it to be discovered. So he waits. And he dreads."</p><p>Or : the Prank, before, during and after.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To set fire to one's home (June 1976)

**Author's Note:**

> (Beginning of rant)  
> Hi guys! So. This is officially the longest fic I've written so far (to be honest, it's the longest /anything/ I've ever written). English is still not my first language and my total lack of beta implies that a fair amount of typos and outright nonsensical sentences may have escaped my otherwise watchful eyes. Sorry, I'll correct them when I see them (or when a kind-hearted soul points them out to me).
> 
> Now. This more or less covers the month of June 1976, when our boys pass their OWLs. First of all,the scene described in "Snape's worst memories" (OotP) is not explicitly included in there, but a big part of the story happens after it and is linked to it, so keep that in mind. Second of all, this story is told from different point of views, changing from one boy to another. That means they have different views of the situation, and each of them see their friendship in a different manner. I think I made the narrator's identity clear enough every time, but do tell me if it's confusing. Third of all, even though the chronology is linear, there are ellipses between each part (this may seem stupid, but let's prevent any confusion). AND last but not least, this happens just before A silent stream of sand, even though I posted that one a long time ago. Anyway, that's what the dates in the titles are for.
> 
> With all that said, please remember that feedback is essential for a writer. It takes you one second to leave a kudo, and one minute to leave a comment that will literally light up my day. So don't forget feedback! And with no further ado, I wish you all a good day.  
> (End of rant)
> 
> Warnings : hum, mostly, mild swearing. Yeah, definitely swearing. Well, we've got teenagers handling (or trying to handle) a crisis here, did you really expect them to be polite? I, for one, didn't.

 "Por el cielo va la luna, con un niño de la mano"

\- Federico Garcia Lorca

 

 

“Would you mind stopping that?” Remus irritably mutters without looking up from his notes.

“Oh, I'm sorry,” Sirius bites back, nonchalantly sprawled on his chair, a quill turning between his fingers and his foot tapping arrhythmically against the table's foot, “is your majesty bothered?”

Remus glares at him. He feels James and Peter suddenly tensing, and the atmosphere between the four of them at once starts sparkling with barely-contained electricity.

“My majesty, along with everyone else here, is trying to study.

\- Yeah, well, if all your so-called studying was of any good to your results whatsoever, I'd certainly have more qualms at disturbing it,” Sirius snorts rather disdainfully.

Remus pales. James hisses an angry “Sirius!” while Peter stares at him, mouth agape, as if he's gone too far. Well, maybe he has. But who cares?

“Right.” Remus stands up, all blank voice and carefully collected movements, though his hands are slightly shaking. “You know what? I'm done with you. I'm off to the library, and don't you dare to follow me.

\- Why would I?” Sirius calls to his retreating back. “It's not as if – oof, Potter, the hell is wrong with you?”

He glares at James, who has elbowed him far too sharply.

“The hell is wrong with  _ _you__ , Sirius?! What is your problem with Moony?”

Sirius opens his mouth to answer, but nothing comes out.  _ _He's irritating__  , he wants so say.  _ _Everything in him is fucking nerve-grating__   _ _, and each time I see him, or think of him, I just want to slam him into a wall__ , he thinks. He doesn't say any of it.

“Has this anything to do with your family?” Peter valiantly asks. Sirius grits his teeth but doesn't answer.

“Because if it has,” James adds, “and if you need to take it out on someone, Moony's not the right person for it. He already has his own ton of problems to deal with. Take it out on Snivellus. Hell, take it out on  _ _me__ , I don't care. I love you, mate, but I swear, if you keep behaving like that around Remus, your face's going to make a fast acquaintance with my fist.”

This is the most serious he has seen James since they all managed the Animagus transformation. Sirius glances at Peter, who seems surprisingly determined as well. Sirius can actually relate to their feeling. He would undoubtedly punch and/or hex anyone who spoke this way to Remus (or to any of the other two for that matter), and Merlin knows he already has, countless times even.

He wants to tell them this has nothing to do with his fucked-up family. Except it kind of has. He wants to make it clear he isn't taking Remus as a punching-ball. Except he kind of is. But it's just so much more confusing and complicated…

It has always been the four of them. Ever since the beginning of first year, it has always been the four of them, joined at the hip, closer than normal friends usually are, even closer than brothers. Boundaries and limits have always been a bit fuzzy, and with the pass of time have started to verge on non-existent and unimportant. And within this warm bubble of extraordinary friendship, individual threads create small, separate groups and entities between the four of them. With James, it's all based on the unshakable, absolute certainty of having found their twin; it's laughter and it's brilliance, it's unquestioned mutual acceptance, it's unmovable love and a brotherhood that runs deeper than blood. With Peter, it's a mutual fascination for puzzles and enigmas that led to a pale, round moon so many years ago, it's having someone else who knows how deeply a disappointed look in your parents' eyes can hurt, it's uncommon generosity and (almost) always admiring eyes that assure him he is  _ _good__ and great. With Remus, it's constant light touches, secret smiles and lewd jokes, it's the sound of pages being flicked in a warm quiet, it's shared breaths on a pillow the nights the ghosts won't let go, it's jagged, scarred edges that somehow fit together like two pieces of a puzzle, it's a warm feeling in his chest and a strange longing in his bones, and while the other two are family, Remus is undeniably home.

Or was.

Sirius knows there is something wrong with the two of them. He can feel it like a cancer growing in their remusirius body, like a poison seeping between them, like an unexplainable force that is steadily pulling them apart. The puzzle doesn't fit any more. And they can't do anything about it but refrain themselves from punching the other and putting a definite end to a friendship that has always been far more than that.

And on top of this, there's Snape. Snape who's been increasingly nosy and interested in their business, following them, no, following  _ _Remus__  , taking in his chronic absences, his cuts and bruises after every full moon, his far too sharp reflexes, the way James, Sirius and Peter look dead on their feet every day Remus doesn't attend to class, and Sirius  _ _knows__ he knows the truth, or is about to discover it, and then he'll tell the whole school and it will be the end of everything. He hasn't told the others : it would make Moony panic and Wormtail would say he's paranoid and Prongs would say they've covered it all too well for it to be discovered. So he waits. And he dreads.

He looks up and meets James' concerned look and Peter's' pinched face.

“Look,” the former says, “you've got to apologise to him. Not right now, because he'll kill you if he sees you before having calmed down, but later. Before dinner.

\- The  _ _two__  of you have to calm down,” Peter chimes. “The full is in a week and a half, and you know how the wolf gets when Moony's been tense before.”

Sirius would usually retort something dry and scathing, but Peter's biggest fear – to see the Marauders separated – is starting to claw at his insides as well. He knows what is going to happen. Tonight, he will grab Remus by the arm and mumble a token apology that won't convey any of his real feelings, and Moony will slightly shake his head and smile tiredly, muttering  _ _it's okay, Padfoot__ , and they'll look each other in the eye and see the same helplessness they are feeling.

And all will start again the next day.

 

~ ~

 

The feeling has been nagging at him for weeks now. It's like a buzz at the back of his head, something that presses hard and insistent behind his eyes, like the ghost of a perpetual headache or the shadow of an unknown yet imminent disaster weighing on his heart. It makes him quite irritable, and add this to the stress produced by the oncoming OWLs, James's and Sirius's constant headless arrogance, Peter's increasing jittery and utterly irrational behaviour when anywhere near the formers, and the fact that the full moon is in less than a week, just after the Transfiguration exam,and Remus feels he has got all the right to be a little more than cranky. Which Sirius doesn't seem to understand, or to be willing to.

“Merlin, Remus, stop being such a stick in the mud. It's just a little relaxing prank– no, it isn't even a prank, Prongs would call it a  _ _joke__ , and we need your help.

\- You mean you need me to go to the Library, search for the very spell you need even though you do not know which it is in a precise book whose title you have no idea of whatsoever” he dryly retorts.

“Yeah. Come on, you've got to help us here!

\- No.”

The word has escaped him with a surprising dryness and lashes out, like the crack of a whip through the still, stifled air of the Common Room. It may have been years since he said “no” this way, with a rare but unmovable determination. He doesn't like refusing something to his friends. It may be irrational, but he is mortally afraid they'll decide he is too boring to be around and dump him, even though he knows they would never tell his secret to anyone. But right now, Sirius' selfish, foolish behaviour is more than grating on his nerves. Before, the boy used to be careful and mindful around Remus the week of the full, and let him study in peace whenever he felt Remus was tense or wanted to work. But since they managed to achieve the Animagus transformation, James and him have become even more arrogant, self-assured and careless than before. They seem drunk with their own brilliance and cleverness – and for Circe's sake, the boys did become Animagi at sixteen under the very nose of some of the most powerful wizards in the Western world, a feat far beyond the reach of the great majority of wizards thrice their age. But it feels more and more like something has snapped in them, and between Sirius and Remus as well, instead of pulling them even closer. And Remus has this sick, dreadful feeling in his gut when he sees the two golden boys enclosed in their own little bubble, completely hermetic to anyone and anything else apart the occasional redhead or Slytherin, and he feels like he is slowly being pushed away, back into the grey shadows he is made of and that have no place in this black-and-white, brightly lit world of them.

Sirius cocks an eyebrow, still managing to look ridiculously good and his perfect looks are so, so irritating – just like the rest of his person.

“No?” he drawls.

Remus wants to punch his smirk off his face.

“No, Sirius. I'm working. We do happen to have exams tomorrow, you know.”

Sirius rolls his eyes and turns to leave.

“Whatever. I'll leave you to your  _ _fascinating__  books then, got to see if everyone in this castle is as boring as you are.”

There it is, like a spike of ice that goes straight through his chest, knocking the air out of his lungs. It is truly mingled with annoyance now though. But he isn't a Gryffindor for nothing, and the little git who's starting to make his way to the entrance ought to know it.

“You'll be surprised to discover that the vast majority of people here are mature enough to know OWLs are a little more important than a infantile joke pulled by two childish fifth years,” he shoots back, not keeping the dry annoyance out of his voice. Sirius turns around, eyes blazing – making him angry could be a game if it wasn't so damned  _ _easy –__ , and Remus realizes he  _ _craves__  a fight, a real confrontation, and not this sour, mean bickering followed by half-hearted, mumbled apologies that has been going on for weeks now. But the other boy's anger seems to recede as swiftly as it rose, leaving behind something colder, dryer and frighteningly distant.

“Right, of course,” he says in a clipped tone, a sudden posh, well-bred accent like marble in his mouth. “I must certainly be bothering you, silly me. Make sure to check out for grey hairs though,  _ _Moony__.”

The nickname usually sounds like a term of endearment, but as Remus watches Sirius leaving the Common Room, he thinks it feels more like a hypocritical mocking that makes his icy insides churn and his ink-stained hands close in fists. The room is almost silent, as most of the students decided to study in the Library, in an unused classroom or sprawled on the grass outside.

Remus closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. He feels the tension in his shoulders and at the base of his neck due to too many hours spent in one position without moving. He feels the exhaustion heavy on his lids, and the faint tremor running through his hands because of the litres of coffee he has been drinking for the last week. He feels the constantly growing pull of the moon – invisible at this hour of the day, but always,  _ _always__ there – in the marrow of his bones, in the pumping blood running through his veins, in every single cell of this body that keeps betraying him every month. And he feels the bright, golden, glowing  _ _thing__ that has been expanding in him since he met those three boys so many years ago crumble and break a bit more.

There is a stale taste of ending in his dry mouth.

 

~ ~

 

They're in the dorm. Everything is quiet and as relaxed as they have been those last few weeks, which means a lot compared to the other fifth years and not at all compared to their usual state. James is seated against his headboard, idly flicking through the last issue of  _ _Quidditch Weekly.__  Sirius is sprawled at his feet, doodling misty shapes in the air with the tip of his wand; and Remus seems to have given up on studying for Transfiguration and is engrossed with  _ _The Lord of the Rings__  – he always rereads his favourite passages when he's stressed. But Peter knows he hasn't flicked a page in the last five minutes. And Moony is a fast reader. There must be something bothering him, and Peter is a hundred per cent sure Remus is going to speak soon. He is also a hundred per cent convinced Sirius has noticed it as well.

Remus looks up from his book.

“Guys.”

__Five points to Wormtail._ _

“Yeah?” James asks, looking up as well. Sirius keeps playing with the silvery wisps, as if he hadn't heard anything, though the other three know perfectly well he has.

“You should stop picking on Snape like that.

\- What, afraid we'll break your boyfriend?” James jokes, though his words have a slightly strained edge. Sirius doesn't react. But from where he is seated, Peter can see his hold on his wand has tightened. Remus sighs.

“It's... I'm not actually trying to defend him -

\- Oh yeah? That's what it looks like from here,” Sirius drawls, still not looking at him.

“but the way you molested him earlier was outright bullying,” Moony continues without missing a beat, in full Prefect-mode. No one answers. James is staring fixedly at Remus, Remus is staring fixedly at Sirius, Sirius is staring fixedly at his artwork, and Peter is staring fixedly at the lot of them. As neutral as Switzerland.

Lacking the banks and the chocolate.

“I mean, I know you usually call it self-defense when you hex him because he has hexed you beforehand, though the first to hex anyone was James two days into first year, but that's not the point here. What I mean is, the way you acted today... it's was downright humiliation.

\- Well, he deserved it,” James declares.

“Why? And don't give me the same speech you gave Lily.”

James shoots him a glare that would have a lesser man whimpering for mercy, but Remus is twenty-four hours from transforming into a rabid, bloodthirsty beast, and he's warming up to his topic. Also, he's known James for five years now.

“So?”

James mumbles something.

“Sorry, didn't quite catch that.

\- I said Sirius was bored, me too, and anyway he's an ugly oily twat so why let the occasion pass?”

Remus stares at him, lips pressed so hard Peter is sure they're thinner than McGonagall's patented disapproving face.

“Think of what you just said and try to find an ounce of maturity in it.”

Sirius brusquely sits up.

“For once in forever, would you stop judging people on their so-called  _ _maturity__?

“Judging – gods, Sirius, what the hell? It's not about any judgement or opinion, it's that what the two of you did today was  _ _wrong__! You don't get to bully and humiliate people just because you don't like them, that's all!

\- Look, first of all, that's absolutely none of your business.

\- Your business has been my business for the last five years. Should've said it before if you didn't want this one to be part of it.

\- Well, if it bothered you so much, why didn't you back up Evans when she stepped in?

\- Wow, guys, guys, calm down,” calls James, placing a placating hand on Sirius's shoulder, which he shrugs off at once.

“Peter?” calls Moony.

__Shit._ _

“I... eerrr... maybe he deserved it a tiny little bit?” he tries. Remus pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Right. Of course. Shouldn't have expected any different.”

Peter feels a surge of anger towards Remus, although it is very strongly mitigated with shame. As usual, he's taken James's side, though he knows the werewolf is right.

“What I'm just trying to say is that you should calm down a bit with Snape. It's getting completely out of proportions, and one day you're going do to something we'll all deeply regret.

\- Okay, thank you Professor Lupin, is the lecture finished?

\- Oh, you know what?  _ _Fuck you__ , Black,” Remus snarls. He angrily grabs his pyjamas and stomps to the bathroom, slamming the door between him and three pairs of disbelieving stares. A heavy, uncomfortable silence settles on the room while the three of them carefully avoid each other's eyes. Ten minutes later, Remus gets out of the bathroom, climbs in his bed and curtly pulls his curtains closed. No one says anything.

So much for Switzerland.

 

~ ~

 

The stone corridors of the Transfiguration wing are silent but for the hurried sound of Sirius' steps. The sun is setting. He just got out of detention for last week's “little prank” – James had managed to get away before McGonagall found them, but Sirius had won an “appointment” with her just after the last OWL. He is meeting James and Peter at the entrance of the Common Room. They won't make it for Remus's transformation, but hopefully he'll be too stunned to harm himself before they get there.

If only the castle wasn't so bloody  _ _big__.

__Remus._ _

He instantly feels the now familiar surge of irritation, sadness, longing and shame that comes when he thinks of his friend. He doesn't understand why things shifted so brusquely and, instead of getting even better, got horribly worse. He knows – he does – that he's changed in the last few months, and that Moony doesn't like it. He can even reluctantly admit to himself that James and he have been behaving like proper arseholes. But he'd have thought Remus, of all people, Remus who somehow  _ _gets__ him better than anyone does, would have understood that he's just trying to distance himself from the Pureblood tradition and from the way everyone in this castle who is related to him acts. But Remus doesn't understand, Peter just worships James – as usual –, and James is following Sirius's lead, even though it may seem it goes the other way around.

He isn't paying attention to his surroundings, just walking as fast as he can without breaking into a run. His mind is completely elsewhere, and that's why he practically jumps out of his skin when he almost runs into another student.

“In a hurry, Black?”

__Bugger._ _

“Fuck off, Snivellus,” he sneers, trying to sidestep the Slytherin without looking at him.

“Afraid your blood-watered Lupin won't wait for you to start climbing the walls?”

Sirius turns around, fists and jaw tightly clenched, and takes a step towards Snape, almost invading the boy's personal space. Snape actually recoils, and Sirius feels a mean and pointless satisfaction in the knowledge Snivellus is scared of him.

“I don't know what you mean by that, but I'd watch my smelly mouth if I were you.

\- Oh, really? Are you _sure_ you don't understand what I'm telling you?” the other drawls. Sirius takes a step further.

“What do you mean.  _ _What do you know__.”

It isn't a question, but a furious, unveiled threat that hangs heavy between the two teenagers. Anyone watching this scene would be surprised to see Sirius Black, widely known for his thunderous temper and yet holding back when presented with Snape, an empty corridor and an actual reason to hex him.

But the thing is, Sirius is internally panicking now.

“Well,” Snape answers, eyes glinting, “I  _ _know__ Lupin goes somewhere every full moon–

\- Remus is in the Common Room right now, you idiot,” Sirius cuts him.

“No he isn't. I'm pretty sure I found out Lupin's dirty little secret, Black. I know Potter and you, and even maybe Pettigrew, have something to do with it, probably something illegal, and I know that when I discover it, when I tell people about it, the three of you will be expelled, and he will be put down like the beast he–

-  _ _SHUT UP!__ ” Sirius roars.

“See? I was right, I knew it–

\- You know what, Snivellus? If you're so keen on knowing where Remus goes every month, try and poke the knot at the base of the Whomping Willow and see what happens,” he spits out as venomously as he can.

Snape's eyes instantly go wide as saucers and, before Sirius has time to do anything, he takes off in the direction of the Great Hall and the doors.

 _ _Well, that way, that little greasy sucker'll stop bothering us.__ If he isn't mauled by the Willow's branches, the wolf will scare him shitless at the end of the tunnel. And they'll be rid of his big prying nose. Wait till he tells the guys what he did.

Sirius stops dead in his tracks.

Wait.

The wolf won't  _ _scare__ Snape.

The wolf will  _ _attack__ Snape, and he will bite him – he will  _ _kill__ him.

“Merlin's balls. What did I do?” he whimpers.

__James._ _

 

~ ~

 

The pull of his moon-tuned blood is becoming more and more insistent, increasing ripples of copper-scented tension that course through his body. He can't see the sky, but he doesn't need a window to feel the deathly pale orb that slowly but steadily starts peeking over the clouded ridge of the mountains far away in the east. His body shakes like a mad, broken, twisted leaf in a mean whirlwind of pain, and suddenly –

A song of shrieks and spasmodic agony, tidal waves of shock that come crashing on the bone-white, ragged coastline of his mind, tectonic calcium plates that shift and murmur chants of death and wilderness. He screams and broken bones and fur and claws tear his skin open and bloody, he screams and his ears move and become long and pointed, he screams and his mouth and nose change into a muzzle and his screams are howls and his throat is raw and he screams and he is the wolf.

 

~ ~

 

James and Peter have just gotten out of the portrait-hole when a human bolide slams into them.

“What the fu– Padfoot? Where've you been? You were supposed to be here twenty minutes ago!”

Sirius grabs his shoulders and starts shaking him.

“Prongs, James, shut up. I just did something horrifyingly stupid.

\- What happened?

\- I just told Snape how to go down the Willow.”

Peter lets a faint squeak and James stares at his best friend, completely dumbfounded. He doesn't understand what Sirius is saying.

“You  _ _what__.

\- I, I don't know what happened and I swear you can kill me later but Snape's going to find the entrance and we've got to fucking hurry and I need you to help me please  _ _please__ solve this,” Sirius rants without taking a breath, his voice trembling and his eyes huge and completely panicked.

 _ _I don't get it. How could__ he  _ _of all people tell Snape how to find Moo–__

__FUCK._ _

With a clarity and a rapidity of planning and decision that will make him privately wonder afterwards, until the day he understands he is truly born a leader, James immediately knows what to do.

“Okay, Peter, go find Dumbledore. Don't tell anyone else what happened, not even McGonagall. Explain him what Sirius just said and tell him we're going to stop Snape before something happens. The only thing you don't have a right to mention is the A-project. Go!”

Peter nods once at James' sudden commanding, responsible tone, and takes off towards Dumbledore's office. James grabs Sirius' arm and they start running too.

“When and where was it?

\- Ten minutes ago, in the Transfiguration wing,” Sirius pants, his voice tight.

“Fuck fuck fuckery fucking fuck, he'll almost be at the Willow by this time!”

Instead of turning because of the sharp angle the corridor makes, James waves his wand before him to open the secret passage that reduces by half the time it takes to go from the Fifth floor on which the entrance of the Gryffindor quarters is to the Great Hall. They take the steps two, even three at a time, only lit by the tip of their wands. The stairs seem to unravel endlessly under them, and the Entrance Hall is miles long, and even when they've reached the doors and are outside, the Willow is still so far from where they are that James feels they are  _ _never__ going to make it on time. They run, they run faster, and run some more, and they see that the Willow is frozen – they aren't so far behind Snape, after all. Sirius is panting on his right, but from one moment to another instead of him is running an enormous black dog who darts ahead  _ _what are you doing__ to the ominous twisted tree that has started swaying again. Padfoot doesn't heed the long, thick branches balancing in his direction and just keeps going and James doesn't stop but actually tries to run faster. The dog gets violently slammed by a branch, avoids another one, and, in a desperate effort, jumps and lands right on the knot. The tree freezes. By the time James arrives at the trunk, Sirius is there again, his breath ragged, clutching tightly at his right side where the branch hit him.

“I'll go,” James says. “Don't move from here, keep the Willow frozen until I get back with Snape.”

Sirius nods once, opens his mouth to say something, but James has already slid down the passage and is running again.

 

~ ~

 

__Find Dumbledore, find Dumbledore, find Dumbledore WHAT IS THIS NOISE no no don't get distracted, find Dumbledore, focus, Wormtail, Prongs said find Dumbledore oh shit this scent it's MCGOOGLES CHANGE BACK CHANGE BA–_ _

“Mr. Pettigrew? May I know the reason of your presence here?”

Peter's mind blanks while his heart keeps thundering in his chest. He is almost never caught alone, always with Sirius or James – whose presence incriminates him immediately – or with Remus – whose professional poker face and lying abilities combined with Peter's innocent, non-threatening looks often manage to exculpate them both. But he hasn't had to face McGonagall alone since second year, and it is an experience he wasn't keen on repeating yet.

__Remember what James said. Find Dumbledore, don't tell McGonagall._ _

“Pettigrew? Pray do answer my question.

\- I, I have to, I must find the Headmaster.”

McGonagall quirks an eyebrow.

“I am afraid the Headmaster is not available at the moment. What do you need him for?

\- Professor, please, I can't tell you, I must find Dum- the Headmaster.

\- Pettigrew, I just told you you could not see the Headmaster now. If you do need him so much, please tell me why.”

__Shit, what do I do? I can't tell her, James said I couldn't tell her, but... oh wait I know._ _

“Professor, it's, it's about Remus, tonight, please, it's an emergency, you know, Remus, tonight?”

Amazing. He is babbling now, as every time he is under stress. McGonagall's lips grow thin, her face pales a bit and she nods once, sharply.

“Very well. Follow me.”

 

~ ~

 

James is running.

“SNAPE!” he shouts. No one answers, though he can see the dim light of a  _ _Lumos__  some fifty metres ahead. He speeds up. “SNAPE! STOP! IT'S DANGEROUS!”

Of course, he receives no answer at all, but now he can hear Snape's ragged breathing. He knows the Slytherin is in a poor physical condition. James should have no problem catching up with him, what with his Quidditch player body and the adrenaline flowing through his veins, even though the small size of the tunnel makes him run almost bent. He tries to accelerate again, but his thigh throbs with a cramp. He swears under his breath and doesn't stop.

 

~ ~

 

__Pain_ _

__Pain and want_ _

__Hunger_ _

__Hunger and anger and blood he wants blood blood muscles bones tearing under his fangs cracking between his jaws he wants his pack he wants to chase he wants a prey he wants to bite and kill_ _

 

~ ~

 

“Minerva, Peter my boy, what do I owe the pleasure of such a visit to?

\- Albus, Pettigrew here says–

\- Professor,” cuts Peter, “it's about Remus. Sirius came to James and I fifteen minutes ago, saying he'd told Snape how to get past the Willow into the secret passage that leads to the Shrieking Shack.”

__No babbling. Ten points to Wormtail._ _

Both adults stare at him in silence. Dumbledore's eyes have stopped twinkling and are as cold and hard as a blue gem. Peter toils on before he looses his shit.

“James and Sirius went to stop him from reaching the Shack, and James told me to find you and not tell anyone else but you. Sorry, Professor,” he sheepishly adds for McGonagall.

Dumbledore looks scary now, scarier and angrier than Peter has ever seen him. But he also looks afraid, and that's what frightens Peter the most.

“Very well. Peter, please come with me. Minerva, dinner must be almost finished, could you see to it that everyone is in their respective Common Room in twenty minutes, without raising suspicion?”

 

~ ~

 

“SNAPE, DON'T BE AN IDIOT, IT'S FUCKING DANGEROUS!”

He's never been through the passage running, and it happens to be far shorter than he thought – far shorter than he hoped it would be. He takes the curve at the end of the tunnel, sees Snape's form against the dull light coming from the opening of the passage.

“SNAPE, NO!”

 

~ ~

 

__Human scent sweat fear pumping blood under skin_ _

__Prey_ _

 

~ ~

 

But Snape is already in the Shack. James runs after him in the corridor and climbs the rickety stairs three at a time. The other boy is peering through the cracks in the wooden wall, his expression a mixture of horror and mad triumph. He has a hand on the handle of the door, but James lounges at him and tackles him on the ground before he can open it.

“Potter, get off me, you bastard!

\- SHUT UP, YOU ARSEHOLE!”

 

~ ~

 

__Human_ _

__Attack_ _

__Bite_ _

__Kill_ _

 

~ ~

 

Snape punches him once on the cheekbone, hard, but they are both stopped by the tremendous growl and subsequent impact that makes the whole Shack shake. The wolf – Moony – is growling and clawing at the frail door that separates him from them, and thank Merlin that Pomfrey always locks it with a battery of charms before leaving or they'd both be dead. Or worse.

James grabs Snape by the elbow, pulls him up and drags him down the stairs and into the tunnel with a strength made powerful by the sheer panic and desperation he's in. He starts running again, pulling the Slytherin who, even if he isn't fighting, is as limp as a rag doll.

“Fuck, hurry up! There's a fucking werewolf back there, RUN!”

And they run, bent in two, and James's lungs are burning, and every breath is a rattle against his throat on fire.

 

~ ~

 

What happens from the moment James goes down the tunnel to the moment they are all seated in Dumbledore's office is kind of a blur. Dumbledore and Peter must have arrived at some point, minutes – or hours – after Sirius has been left alone. After what feels like ages, James and Snape get out of the hole. The round moon glows enough for Sirius to see a bruise starting to form on his friend's cheekbone. Snape doesn't have any visible injuries, though he is deathly pale and trembling like a leaf. James lets go of Snape's elbow. Sirius's whole right side is in pain, throbbing and pulsing and burning like mad.

The office is silent but for the silvery instrument eternally wheezing and turning on the shelves and small tables all around the room. The four of them are seated in front of the Headmaster's desk while Dumbledore quietly speaks with McGonagall at the other side of the room. Snape looks like he is about to vomit, Peter's eyes are fixed on the wall and James's haven't stopped burning holes in Sirius since they all sat down. Sirius himself is staring at his hands folded in his lap, his mind completely blank. He isn't thinking about what he just did, nor about what they all escaped, nor even about Remus. He just stares. And waits.

After what feels an eternity, Dumbledore and McGonagall stop talking and approach their students. The former sits at his desk while the latter just stands beside him.

“First of all,” Dumbledore starts, “James, I must thank you for your unmeasurable courage tonight, and Peter, for your efficiency.”

The two boys nod but don't say anything. Sirius still doesn't look up. The mere idea of looking into those piercing blue eyes fills him with terror.

“Now. Mr. Black, please explain what happened.

\- I'll tell you what happened,” Snape seethes. “This mad imbecile thought it would be funny to–

\- Severus, your name was still Mr. Snape last time I checked,” Dumbledore cuts, icy cold. “Sirius, please go on.”

Sirius looks up at last. They are all staring at him, with different grades and intensity of hatred and anger, though Dumbledore's and McGonagall's eyes are also tinged with something akin to pity. He draws a deep breath and starts.

“Well, I was coming back from my detention with you,” he looks at his Transfiguration teacher, “and I… I ran into Snape, I hadn't seen him. He immediately started implying things about Remus–

\- That's not true!” Snape shrieks. “He's lying!

\- Mr. Snape, let him talk!” bellows the Headmaster.

Snape shrinks in his seat, glaring daggers at Sirius (and at James as well, for that matter).

“So, he started saying things about Remus – that Remus went somewhere on the full moon, that he knew Moo- Remus secret, that James, Peter and I had something to do with it and that as soon as he would be sure of this he would tell everyone, get us expelled and get Remus put down like the… like the beast he was. I'm quoting.”

He takes another breath. Everyone is silent. James has stiffened beside him, but the hardness behind Dumbledore's eyes seems to have softened a bit.

“I panicked. What he said was too accurate for him to be completely bluffing. I lost it and told him that if he was so interested in Remus's whereabouts, he just had to poke the knot at the base of the Whomping Willow and see what would happen. I didn't really expect him to do it. After what happened two years ago with that student who almost lost an eye, no one goes near it. And I thought, even if he does it, he'll be whacked by the branches and that's it. But Snape left running, and I realised what would happen if he effectively froze the Willow. So I ran to the James and that's it.”

No one says anything for a while. Then Dumbledore clears his throat and says :

“James, Peter, could you please wait out of the room? Very well,” he starts once the two Gryffindors have closed the door. “Severus, I would like your input.

\- This… this madman sent me to that  _ _beast__ ,” Snape starts, pointing a finger at Sirius who glares at him.

“Do not call him a beast,” Sirius snarls.

“You wanted this monster to KILL ME!

-  _ _HE-IS-NOT-A-MONSTER__!” he shouts, half rising from his chair.

“Gentlemen, sit!” snaps McGonagall. “Snape, we will not tolerate any insults and use of degrading names, and Black, you calm down immediately.

\- Thank you, Minerva. Now, Severus, tell me your side of the story without being offensive.

\- Professor, I always knew there was something wrong with the four of them. And this year, I heard things, various times, I heard them talking about a  _ _full__ or calling each other names.”

__Fuck, Remus was right, we spoke too much, too loud. We'd gotten too careless._ _

“So I followed them, I followed Lupin. He was always absent the day after the full moon, sir, and I guessed it! And Black knew it, but he sent me down there anyway! I guessed it, but now I'm sure of it! Lupin's a  _ _werewolf__ , sir!”

The look Dumbledore sends Snape must have counted in the ten most unimpressed looks of British History.

“Indeed. Thank you for your collaboration, Mr. Snape, but we were all aware of Mr. Lupin's peculiar… condition.”

Snape stares at Dumbledore in befuddlement.

“You… you  _ _knew__?” he asks in a small voice.

“Of course I knew. I was the one who asked Mr. Lupin to attend Hogwarts in the first place.

\- But… but how  _ _could__ you? He's dangerous! He's a  _ _monster__ and we're in a school!

\- Mr. Snape, I am not to justify my choices to you,” says Dumbledore coldly.

Snape recoils as if burnt, and Sirius feels the same meaningless satisfaction he experienced an hour and some centuries ago in the corridor.

“Now. The official end of the school year is in a week and a half. Sirius, you are to be in detention with Professor McGonagall every night until then, and will be in detention every night of the week, Sundays excepted, from September to December next year, with whomever needs an extra pair of hands. I shall not suspend you from the Quidditch team, given that it would have consequences on your team-mates. But you have to know that, at the slightest sign of misbehaviour from you, I will be forced to definitely expel you. Is that clear?

\- Perfectly clear, Professor,” Sirius croaks, an immense relief washing through him. Without realising it, he'd feared to be expelled. And then, what would he have done?

“I take two hundred points from Gryffindor because of your actions,” adds Dumbledore.

Sirius pales.

“But please inform Messrs Potter and Pettigrew that I give them a hundred points each, for the courage and determination they showed tonight. That will be all. Thank you, Sirius, you may leave.”

And that's it. No terrible treatment, no whips, no curses nor expulsion. Just six months of detention and a looming sword of Damocles over his head.

Sirius has the impression that Dumbledore knows he will be punished enough by his friends, if he can still call them that, and the expression on James' face and the tenseness in Peter's stance when he gets out of the magic staircase is enough of an answer. James moves towards him and starts punching him, yelling something that sounds a lot like  _ _do you know what we just avoided happening?__ , and  _ _how the fuck could you, Sirius?!__ and  _ _you're his fucking best friend, you arsehole!__ , and Sirius doesn't move, doesn't defend himself, because he's only starting to understand the extent of what he did. The stupidity of his excuses. The utter, complete catastrophe that could have happened had it not been for this messy-haired boy whose hazel eyes shine with what looks like unshed tears.

“James. James, Prongs, stop it, he's bruised enough. James!” Peter calls.

James stops, looks at Sirius in the eye – the left one, the right one having already started swelling – and sighs.

“We won't even be able to go to the Shack now. The wolf must be rabid, it'd be too dangerous. Fuck.  _ _Fuck__ , Sirius,  _ _why__? If you knew Snape suspected something, why didn't you tell one of us?”

Sirius actually has an answer. But he doesn't think he could speak right now, so he just closes his eye and doesn't say anything. James sighs again.

“It'll break him. He'd been doing so well since we'd managed the transformations, and you had to come and destroy it all. We fucking  _ _told__ you to calm down, and you didn't listen, you never listen, do you? You didn't listen and you spilled it all and you know it will destroy him, even more than if it had been Pete or me. Merlin, for once in your life, couldn't you just  _ _think__?”

It hurts. God, does it hurt. Every word that comes from James's mouth is an icy spear of anger and disappointment that burns through him, that doesn't let him think or breathe.

“Don't you dare go near him before he asks for you. Peter and I will be at the Hospital, we'll wait for him. You go to the dorm and stay there, we'll tell you when he wants to see you.”

Sirius nods, once. For the first time since they've met, James feels like a complete stranger. And it's horrible. He turns to leave, but James grabs him by the arm. For a moment, Sirius can see in his brother's eyes the same hopelessness, the same despair he is feeling.

“You better answer  _ _all__ of his questions if you want him to forgive you sometime,” James whispers.

Sirius nods again and leaves.

That night, he violently understands that there are some limits that cannot ever be trespassed. That night, he learns how it feels to have your whole world crumble around you.

 

~ ~

 

 _ _Fire__   _ _anger__   _ _human__   _ _scent__   _ _bite hunger__   _ _fear burning__   _ _flesh__   _ _BLOOD–__

__Pain._ _

The pain rips through him in an explosion of white, shrieking anger, destroying everything in its wake. He falls back into unconsciousness before the broken whimper even passes his lips.

 

The second time he wakes, the pain doesn't crash on his whole body like previously, but rather concentrates in some parts – both arms and legs, trails of deadly fire on his torso, and a numb feeling on the left side of his face. The only coherent thought he manages to pull before slipping away is that this numbness is somehow far more ominous than the rest of the pain he feels.

 

Hearing is the first sense people recover after passing out, and he makes no exception. He can hear the quiet noise of two almost synchronised breathings in the otherwise eerie silent room.  _ _Hospital__ , a small, rational part of his mind provides. Right. Of course. Full moon oblige.

Then comes touch. The light weight of the soft sheets on his pyjama-clad, bandaged body. The deep lump of the mattress he is in. The plush comfort of the cushions under his head. The distinct, unsettling lack of a warm hand on his.

When he finally opens his eyes, the world is at first a bit of a blur. There are shapes : a dark thing and a lighter one near the left end of the bed. The rest is a sea of light grey tones. He must have made some kind of noise, because the dark mop approaches. The sane part of his brain – that is, the one that isn't damaged by the night he just had – tells him it's James, who knows perfectly well that it always takes him some time to regain both a clear vision and mind when he wakes up. So James waits beside him, the blonde thing – Peter – stays where it is, and Remus lets consciousness slowly wash over him.

The first question that breaks through the fog is :  _ _where is Sirius?__

The second is :  _ _what happened last night?__

He voices them in a croaky voice. Peter fidgets on his chair and James takes a shaky breath and runs his hand through the mess on his head he calls hair. They look even worse than usual, the two of them. They have purple bags under their bloodshot eyes and are both extremely pale. James has a nasty bruise blooming on his left cheekbone. He clears his throat but doesn't say anything.

“James?” Remus rasps again. “What happened last night? Did something go wrong? Did I hurt someone? Oh my God, did I hurt Sirius? Where is he? James!

\- Moony! Moony, it's alright, we're fine, you didn't hurt anyone.

\- Why isn't Sirius here then? He's  _ _always__ here!”

 _ _Shut up, Lupin__ , irritably mutters the small, sensible voice that is nonetheless drowned by the panic overflowing him. He tries to push himself up on his elbows, but James is faster and immediately pins him down on the mattress.

“Moony, calm down, I'm telling you we're  _ _fine__. Remus. Listen to me. Are you listening to me?”

Remus nods once, his eyes fixed in James'. He is hyperventilating.

“Good. Breathe. Can you breathe for me?”

Another nod.

“Good. I'm breathing. Breathe with me. That's it. Breathe. Slowly. Okay. Listen to me. You did not hurt anyone but yourself last night.

\- But where  _ _were__ you?” Remus brokenly whispers, recalling the wolf's feeling of abandonment.

James closes his eyes for a moment. Peter gets up from his chair and moves to the other side of the bed, close enough to Remus for him to feel his warmth, but not enough for him to feel trapped. James opens his eyes. He lets go of Remus's shoulders and straightens up. Runs a hand through his hair again.

“Look. Something did happen last night. Before you start panicking again, you've got to know nothing bad happened. We fixed it all. Do you understand?

\- Yes.

\- Fine. Yesterday, Sirius was in detention, remember? Well, when he was getting back, he stumbled across Snape, and… and told him how to get past the Whomping Willow.

\- He  _ _what__.

\- Hear me out. He told him how to get past the Willow, and Snape ran off. Long short story, Sirius panicked, ran to us and told us what he'd just done. Peter went to find Dumbledore, Sirius and I ran to the Willow and I got in the passage to catch Snape. I couldn't completely make it on time, so I stopped him from opening the door, but… but he saw the wolf.”

There is a sudden deafening silence in Remus' mind. He blankly stares at James, unable to tear his eyes away. Snape saw the wolf. That means… that means Snape saw Remus who was in his werewolf form. So Snape saw the werewolf. He is getting absolutely nowhere, his mind is far too sluggish. Snape saw the wolf, so Snape saw Remus, so Snape…

“Snape  _ _knows__?!” he shrieks.

“Yes. He knows. But it's fine, Moony, he won't tell anyone, Dumbledore made him promise.

\- It's  _ _fine__  ?! How can you say it's fine? Snape knows I'm a bloody  _ _werewolf__!” he all but yells.

“Remus,” Peter says. “Remus, look at me.”

Remus complies. Peter looks like shit.

“You look like shit, mate,” he says. Peter lets out a strained laugh.

“Yeah, and among others, you've got a nasty concussion. Wouldn't ever say that in your normal state.

\- Sorry.

\- Don't be, you're right. If I look half as bad as James does, I do indeed look like crap.

\- Hey!” James cries indignantly.

Remus chuckles. The atmosphere is a bit lighter now, and he is no longer panicking.

\- How do you feel?” Peter asks, frowning.

“I… I haven't felt this bad in a long time.

\- I'm going to  _ _kill__ him,” James mutters.

There is no need to ask who the  _ _him__ is.

“I feel numb, mostly. In shock, I guess. And I can't feel my left cheek at all.

\- Yeah, you… you cut yourself there. Not very deep. I don't know anything else, I guess Pomfrey will tell you more. I'm sorry, Moony. I'm so sorry.

\- Not your fault, Prongs,” Remus whispers, shutting his eyes.

In comparison with all the rest, this may seem pointless, but. But he knows that if Poppy bothered to anaesthetise this cut, it means that he made it himself. Therefore, it'll scar. Leave marks behind. On his face. All this thanks to Sirius.

And that's when the anger starts rising. He is still in shock, mind you – of course he is, his brain is barely functional and he just learnt his best friend betrayed him on his most well-kept secret –, but some of the numbness subsides and leaves place to cold, burning anger. He knows himself well enough to know sadness will come, after, in a while. But right now, all he feels is rage, and all he wants is to see Sirius and yell and tear his pretty face and pretty body apart like the wolf tore his own.

“Where is Sirius?” he asks without opening his eyes.

“He was in the dorm last time I knew of him,” James answers. “Do you want us to find him?

\- That will not be necessary, Mr. Potter, Mr. Pettigrew,” says Dumbledore, slowly pushing the curtains around the bed apart. “Remus, my lad, I am glad to see you are back amongst the living. James, Peter, may I ask you to leave us alone?”

The boys nod once. Peter squeezes Remus' shoulder and James gently ruffles his hair before getting out and silently pulling the curtains close again. Remus stares at Dumbledore, who has transfigured the uncomfortable hospital chair into a downy armchair and has sat on it. The man looks tired and older than he's ever seen him; and the usual twinkle in his eyes is nowhere to be seen.

“Professor,” Remus croaks, “is everyone really alright? The boys told me so, but–

\- Everyone is safe and sound, Remus. The only person you must worry about is yourself. You were in an extremely bad state this morning. I am surprised you are feeling well enough to talk.

\- Werewolves heal fast. But what time is it?

\- Almost three in the afternoon. You were away for a few hours. May I?” he asks, gesturing towards a pile of Chocolate Frogs that is waiting on his dresser and that Remus hadn't seen yet.

“Oh, yes, sure. But, Professor…

\- Yes, my boy?

\- How do you know Snape won't tell anyone about… about my furry little problem?”

Dumbledore chuckles at the name. His eyes seem to be glinting again.

“I made him promise. It is a rather private affair,” he adds when Remus opens his mouth to ask. “But rest assured that Mr. Snape shall not, under any circumstance, reveal your condition to anyone within or out of this school.”

It is something to have James telling him this, and it is another matter to have the most powerful wizard of the century making such a promise. Remus sighs in relief.

“I do nonetheless have to contact your parents to explain what happened.

\- NO!” he shouts.

Dumbledore cocks an eyebrow.

“Remus, you must understand I cannot possibly let something like that pass without reporting it to your legal guardians.

\- Professor, if my parents learn about this, they will get me out of Hogwarts and never let me come back.”

The Headmaster frowns.

“You know my parents, Professor. You have met them. You must remember how hard it was to convince them that Hogwarts was a safe place for me, even though my mum studied here in the first place. If they learn that one, a student who is not James, Peter nor Sirius knows what I am and two, that Sirius was the one responsible for this, they won't ever let me finish my years here. Please. Telling them about this would jeopardise my education.”

Dumbledore just looks at him for a long time.

“Very well,” he finally says. “I shall not tell them about this incident, even though you are under age. But the very peculiar set of circumstances justifies this decision. Now,” he adds, getting up, “I have kept you awake with minutiae too much time already, and Poppy is bound to come and throw me out at any given moment. Remus, I want you to rest now. Everything has been taken care of, and, even though there would surely have been some major casualties had it not been for Messrs Potter and Pettigrew, you are the only one who was seriously injured. Sleep and do not worry, my lad.

\- Yes, thank you, Professor.”

The old man's soft smile is the last thing Remus sees before falling asleep.

He can feel a choking tightness in his chest even in his heavy, dreamless slumber.

 

~ ~

 

Remus doesn't see Sirius for two days after he's woken up. He doesn't want to, doesn't feel strong and calm and collected enough to face his friend. When Poppy at last releases him, Lily is waiting for him at the entrance of the Hospital ward. Part of Remus is grateful for her presence – he told Poppy he was fine, but he strongly doubts of his ability to walk alone to the Gryffindor tower. But another bigger part of him is scared of Lily knowing something. He feebly smiles at her.

“Hey, Lils.

\- Hey Rem.

\- Were you... were you waiting for me?

\- Yup. Come on, let's get going.”

She gently passes his arm over her shoulders, which isn't hard given their height difference, in what could be a gesture of easy camaraderie when it is a subtle way of making him lean into her.

__Ye de_ _ __vious woman._ _

They slowly walk in silence in the deserted halls.

“Where is everyone?” Remus asks after a while.

“Outside. No one really understands why they moved the exams so we had to wait a week before going home, but it actually feels like a giant summer camp out there,” she laughs. After a few moments, she adds : “Although 'no one' excludes me.”

Remus' heartbeat picks up.

“Oh, really?” he asks in a rather strained tone.

“Yup.

\- And wherefore dost the corky man keep us f'r so long then?

\- Oh, Remus Lupin, you dirty player, are you trying to sweet talk me in Shakespearean?

\- Absolutely not, Lily dear,” he tries to laugh. It comes out strangled.

Lily stop walking, making him stop too. The corridor is empty. She watches him for a moment, long enough for him to start feeling uncomfortable. She draws a breath.

“Rem.

\- That's me.”

She rolls her eyes good-naturedly.

“Shut it, you idiot. I just... I want to tell you something.

\- Oh, Merlin, are you proposing to me? Because if you are, James is totally going to have my manhood and wear it around his neck or something. It would be my absolute downfall, Lily.”

Merlin, has he gotten good at deflecting. Sirius would be proud of hi–

And then it comes again, another wave of anger, sense of loss and betrayal that leaves him almost choking on his own pressed back tears. He closes his eyes for a second and then opens them again, focusing on Lily in front of him and trying to ignore the horrible hole that's growing in his chest and that may as well eat him up for all it's worth. Lily furrows her brow. She looks sad, concerned.

“Remus,” she says softly, almost whispering, “I wanted to tell you that I know you're a werewolf.”

There it is. She says it, and time doesn't stop flowing, the world doesn't stop turning, he doesn't stop breathing like he'd done on a similar occasion almost four years ago. He should have seen it coming, really. They've been good friends for three years now, and Lily's one of the smartest people he's ever met. Her waiting for him at the Hospital was ominous enough. He opens his eyes, ready to apologise, to explain, to beg, and stops.

__It's Lily, you dumbass. Muggle-born Lily. Accepting, open-minded Lily. Your friend._ _

He clears his throat.

“How long have you known?

\- Since third year, when Professor Thornhill gave me this extra assignment on werewolves.

\- Why didn't you tell me before?

\- There was no need for it, was there?

\- And why is it necessary now?”

She smiles then, a small, sad smile that speaks volumes.

“I just... I know something happened between the four of you. And I know you being a werewolf is the core of it, and, if I'm right, it's Sirius' fault.”

Remus's breath hitches. He sways a little and leans on the wall, then slides down and sits on the floor, knees drawn up and arms encircling them. Lily sits in front of him. Her green eyes are full of questions she won't voice. He answers them nonetheless. In for a Knut, in for a Galleon.

“It's... the boys, they've known since the end of First year, though they told me when we were back in Second. They promised to keep the secret at all costs.”

He stops until he's sure his voice is steady. Lily's eyes are fixed on him.

“The last full moon was–

\- … two days ago, I know.”

He quirks an eyebrow.

“I've been keeping track of the lunar cycle. But it doesn't matter, go on.

\- Right. The lads, they know how to get to the place I transform in.

\- The Shrieking Shack?

\- You're too smart for your own good, Lils. Careful with that.

\- It isn't that hard to guess when you pay very close attention, which I have been doing since I knew. Don't tell me how you get there, though. It could slip up.

\- Yeah, well...” he shrugs.

Lily's eyes widen in what would be a comical way if it wasn't for the circumstances.

“No,” she murmurs.

He nods and suddenly finds a fascinating interest in the smooth stones the floor is made of.

“So Sirius...”

He nods again, his throat closing, repressed tears burning his eyes.

“Who?

\- Snape. He told Snape how to get there and Snape went. Sirius panicked and ran to James, who chased Snape and stopped him just in time. Ten more seconds and I would've killed them both.

\- Oh, Remus,” Lily exhales.

And that's where Remus starts crying. All the tears he hasn't shed, all the bubbling, bursting feelings he's hoarded like a venomous treasure in his chest explode at once in a loud, soul-wrenching sob that shatters him a bit more. Lily's arms go around him and he buries his face in the crook of her neck, protected by the auburn curtain of her hair. And he cries, he cries for a friendship torn to pieces, he cries for the small part of him that was still intact and that is now as broken as the rest, he cries because of all the things he's ever treasured, that one was one of the most important, and he's lost it like the rest. He cries for his far too short childhood, for his aborted future and his useless dreams, he cries as volcanoes explode, messily and thoroughly, and accumulated years of grief in magma get out with the tears.

And the whole time, Lily holds him, one hand gently rubbing his sore back, murmuring soothing nonsense in his hair, promising she'll always be there.

The thing is, Remus doesn't believe in promises anymore.

 

~ ~

 

The three of them are in the dorm when Remus walks in. Sirius has been staring at the same page of his book for the last half hour or so, and Peter and James are distractedly playing chess. They all look up when the door opens, and Sirius freezes like a deer caught in the headlights, something James can't help but find amusing.

Remus has cried. James knows it because of his red, puffy eyes, but he would've guessed it only with his friend's hunched, vulnerable posture.  _ _Remus has cried and no one was there for him__ , he thinks, and he feels terrible.

The werewolf doesn't look at any of them. He just heads for his trunk and carefully, methodically unpacks his things. Then he turns and looks directly at Sirius, who has been staring at him since he entered the room.

“Well?” he asks.

Somewhere, in another dimension, time halts and looks interestedly at the small scene they form.

Sirius swallows.

Remus cocks an eyebrow.

Sirius draws a breath.

Remus crosses his arms.

Sirius opens his mouth, closes it, opens it, closes it again, and does a generally good impression of a breathless goldfish.

Remus huffs.

It would be comical if their friendship wasn't at stake, time thinks, and then resumes its course.

“I... I'm so  _ _sorry__ , Moony.

\- If that's all you've got, I'm even more disappointed than before. And you have no right to call me that.”

Remus's voice could cut diamond, and if Sirius tenses more, he'll snap like an abused violin string. James may have forgotten how to breathe and a quick glance tells him Peter is inches from pissing himself.

“Tell me  _ _why__ you did it, Sirius.

\- Look, Moo– Remus, I...” Sirius stutters.

__Bloody hell, tell him everything, you idiot!_ _

“I ran across Snape and the great git started implying things about you, he  _ _knew__ , Remus, he knew about you, he's followed us the whole year, and I had suspicions but I wasn't sure, and then he threatened to tell the whole school and get us expelled and  _ _get you put down__ and I couldn't stand it so I snapped and I told him and I am so so so sorry please Moony I'm sorry I'm so  _ _sorry__ , Remus.”

Sirius is crying. Sirius Black is  _ _crying__. This isn't something James, despite them being best friends since they were eleven, nor Peter and his always-listening ears and easy laugh, nor Remus, his confident and his secret haven, have ever seen. Sirius is crying, Sirius is begging, but Remus doesn't move an inch.

James can read him though, and he knows he's softening.

Then the werewolf sighs.

“Sirius. Stop. Please, stop.”

The silver-eyed boy falls silent, wet streaks glowing on his cheeks. Remus sighs again, a tremulous exhale.

“You could have told me. You could have told James or Peter about your doubts. But no, you decided to keep them to yourself, because you thought I'd freak out and they wouldn't believe you. Am I right?”

Sirius nods.

“So you didn't say anything and you kept being as boisterous as ever. And don't, don't dare and tell me you were actually  _ _worried__. You weren't, because it was still a game, it was always a game, wasn't it?!”

Sirius opens his mouth to retort but stops himself in time. Remus's voice has risen, he's almost shouting now and Sirius Black may never cry, but Remus Lupin never  _ _ever__  shouts. Those are two unbreakable rules, two fundamental constants of their universe, that have both been twisted and broken in the space of two minutes.

“It was a game, from the beginning, it was a game, oh, well, our mate's a werewolf, how  _ _fun__ is that?! And becoming Animagi was a bloody game too, oh, let's do something no one else can do and become  _ _animals__! It was a game, you were always  _ _yearning__ for the full to come, for you to have your little fun, running around with a bloodthirsty beast, because WHY NOT?! IT WAS ALL A GAME TO YOU!”

Remus is definitely yelling now, and crying too, mad round tears rolling down his cheeks. He takes a breath.

“Tell me,” he starts again, slightly calmer, his voice shaking, “just look at me in the eye and tell me frankly, Sirius : if  _ _James__ was the werewolf,  _ _would you have told Snape__?”

James's eyebrows shoot to his hairline. Beside him, Peter lowly whistles. Sirius looks at Remus in the eye, opens his mouth, closes it again and looks down to his lap.

A century-old minute passes. In that other dimension, time moves in slow-motion.

Remus sighs a third time, a worn-out, tired sigh, like a small fragment of soul passing the barrier of his lips..

“Please, get out.  _ _Please__.”

His voice breaks on the last word.

Sirius nods once, silently crosses the room and quietly closes the door behind him. Remus sits heavily on his bed, and he looks old, James thinks,  _ _he looks older__   _ _than we do, he looks older than he has any right to__ , he thinks. Their eyes meet, and Remus' eyes are old, too, two wells full of memories no boy his age should have.

“I'm sorry,” James says.

Remus shuts his eyes and doesn't answer.

 

~ ~

 

The last week is quiet. Students grumble half-heartedly about having to wait a week before leaving for summer, but the 7th years are glad to stay at Hogwarts a bit longer without the stress of exams, and, after all, lazing sprawled on the grass isn't exactly straining. The greatest commotion in Gryffindor is caused by Alice, Lily's best friend, who finally asks 6th year Frank Longbottom out, after months of the two of them dancing around each other. And if someone notices that Sirius sleeps on a couch in the Common Room, or the conspicuous lack of any kind of end-of-the-year prank, no one says it aloud.

It's the worst week the boys have ever had. James tries to stay mad at Sirius fore more than two days, but it's like being mad at his own arm or at his bloody reflection on the mirror : utterly impossible and verging on ludicrous. He does ignore him though, if only for Remus's sake. Peter knows James has more or less forgiven his best friend, and that he is actually ashamed of having yielded that fast. But Peter himself is really angry at Sirius, and Remus's outburst in the dorm is slowly but steadily making its way in his mind, rising another question : if  _ _he__ was the one who'd talked, would James had been as lenient towards him as he is towards Sirius?

He doesn't like the answer the little voice in his head provides him.

Sirius studiously avoids them : he eats in the kitchens, showers and changes before anyone is even awake, and, when he isn't occupied in detention, conveniently disappears somewhere in the gigantic castle.

They try to stay close to Remus, but he is avoiding them as well. It seems that Lily knows something – how and to what extent is yet to be determined. But with Alice being busy with her new boyfriend, it looks like Moony and her are spending every waking moment together. It makes James cringe a little, but he keeps his mouth shut (even though he won't stop ruffling his hair. This boy will never learn.)

It's quiet, it's calm, and it's horrible. Remus, Sirius, James and Peter are the Marauders, the four brothers-in-arms, the inseparable quartet. Having the others here and yet so distant, having this uncommon, unbelievably tightly woven friendship undone, is something none of them is prepared for. This last week, the Marauders are no more, and, without three pairs of hands and eyes to carry him, each of them feels like he is drowning.

The train ride is quiet too. Remus doesn't sit with them but with Lily, who comes to fetch him before the train is even rolling. The three of them sit in their blanket of silence, only broken by the quiet flicking of a page from James or Sirius. Peter just stares out of the window and keeps thinking about the conversation he's had with Remus some days ago. The werewolf had wanted to give up being Prefect, and Peter had somehow dissuaded him, arguing that if Dumbledore had given him the badge, then he had deemed him capable and worthy of assuming the responsibility. Remus had huffed, but, after some silent minutes, had thanked him. Peter is glad his friend has kept his function. He remembers the beginning of the year, when Remus had secretly told him, away from Sirius's and James's mockery, that he was proud of having been chosen. There are so little things that make Remus proud of himself that Peter couldn't possibly let him resign.

“Lads,” Sirius says out of the blue, after nearly three hours of uninterrupted silence – must be a record for them.

They look up. Sirius is fidgeting, dragging the side of his thumb against the edge of the book's cover, a nervous habit he took from Remus some years ago. He clears his throat.

“It's just that... I'm sorry,” he whispers.

“We know,” Peter says.

And somehow, that makes it okay.

When the Hogwarts Express pulls out at King's Cross, they bump into Lily and Remus in the corridor. Peter grabs Remus by the arm.

“Hey, Moony. I'm staying with my muggle cousins until August, so, unless you use the old-fashioned mail, I won't be reachable.

\- Okay. Give me their address then.”

Peter scribbles it on a bit of parchment with a pen Remus lends him.

“Here. It'll take more time but well.

\- Alright. Thanks, Pete.

\- No problem, mate. Don't forget I'm here for you, okay?”

Remus smiles at him, a small, tired smile, but a smile nonetheless.

“Same here, Pete. Have a nice break.

\- Right. You too. And tell me how the next full goes,” he adds in a whisper.

He bids James and Sirius good-bye, his hand lingering a little longer on Sirius's shoulder.  _ _Good luck, I'm here__. He's already told them about his muggle relatives, but, given that both of them are Purebloods and that Sirius is directly heading to Castle Madness, he doesn't tell them to use the muggle mail.

 

~ ~

 

When Sirius sees his mother's tall, severe silhouette and Regulus's beside her, he freezes for an instant before turning to James. His best friend his watching him closely, worriedly. He suddenly takes a step forward and hugs him.

“Don't forget my door is always open for you, okay?” James murmurs in his ear.

Sirius just nods, dread knotting his insides.

“And I'll make him come around. I'll take care of him,” James adds.

“I know. Say hi to your parents for me,” Sirius whispers. 

 _ _I love you__ , he thinks. He is sure James hears it. They let the other go, smile a little, and Sirius starts turning around and to head towards  _ _her__ , but his eyes fall on a worn-out boy whose eyes shine like imprisoned suns. Remus and him hold each other's gaze and he feels no forgiveness, nor even the promise of it, but perhaps the ghost of a possibility, like misty volutes in a crystal ball that tell him that, maybe, they can survive this.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo, that's it. Just to make it clear, the exams happen a week earlier than usual because Dumbles wanted Remus to be able to pass them all before the full. Yep, he is very considerate.  
> The storyline continues in A silent stream of sand, in the same series.  
> (Also I know I keep repeating myself but please leave a comment!!!)


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